The holidays are supposed to look like a Norman Rockwell painting: a white tablecloth with no stains, relatives who behave, a turkey that comes out perfectly browned and juicy.
Then real life walks in the door.
Over the years, I've heard holiday stories like these:
"My brother and sister had a big fight, and she stormed out."
"My son's new girlfriend was dressed for the beach."
"I was so worried something would go wrong, I forgot to turn on the oven."
Sound familiar? The stress often starts weeks before anyone rings the bell. And because so much of the season happens in the kitchen, that's exactly where I want you to take some of the calm back.
Here are seven ways to cope with holiday stressors, one small kitchen ritual at a time.
1. Start with mise en place
Mise en place is French for "putting everything in its place." Chefs use it to get every vegetable chopped and every spice measured before the first order comes in.
Before a big day, do the same with your counter. Read the recipe, set out the bowls, line up the ingredients. Saying "mise en place" out loud has a way of readying you to begin. And when the counter is in order, your head often follows.
2. Make a pudding before the party
Before major holidays, I like to fortify myself in advance with a Zen-like dish such as rice pudding. You could call it "The Aloof Is in the Pudding." Or "Who's Been Naughty or Rice Pudding."
Pudding asks you to stir gently, which is a nice reminder not to stir things up. Then it has to chill, and it comes together in the fridge, which is a good picture for a family coming together too.
Even chilled, a pudding can be a little wobbly. That's a metaphor as well. You don't undo a lifetime of family dynamics in one day or one dish. Still, wobbly or shaky, it holds. And you will too.
3. When the pot starts to bubble, lower the heat
Watch a pot of water come to a boil. That "bubbling up" looks a lot like what happens inside us when a holiday conversation goes sideways.
The fix on the stove is simple: turn the heat down and watch the bubbles settle. The same move works at the table. Step back, slow down, lower the temperature, and let things come back to a gentle simmer.
4. Check the Scoville scale before you bring up a hot topic
One word about hot topics at holiday meals: Don't!
If you must, borrow the Scoville scale, the one that measures the heat in peppers. Some topics are super hot (avoid). Some are hot but tolerable (proceed cautiously). And some aren't hot at all (yes, please!).
The hotter the pepper, the more sweetness it takes to tame it. Add sweetness to the hottest subjects, and I promise you, there will be fewer jalapeños and many more bells.
Need a calm minute before the doorbell rings? The free Cooking Therapy app for iPhone has short guided audios in my voice, plus a new kitchen journal prompt every day. Download Cooking Therapy
5. Put your worries in the fridge
Write the worry on a sticky note. "What if the turkey's dry?" "What if someone starts in on politics?" Then stick it in the refrigerator and tell yourself, "I'm going to chill on that."
It sounds a little hokey. It works anyway. The worry is still there, but now it has a place to wait while you get on with your day.
6. Clean as you go
Rinse the cutting board while the onions soften. Wipe the counter while the oven preheats. When you finally sit down, the kitchen is already tidy and you're free to enjoy the meal.
Holiday worries pile up the same way dishes do. Handle the small ones as they come, before they spiral, and there's a lot less to face at the end of the night.
7. Give yourself a round of applause
Grab a box of cereal and give it a shake. Hear that noise? That's applause. For you.
For every gift you wrapped, every dish you carried, every time you bit your tongue when you really wanted to say something. We spend so much time noticing what went wrong. This season, notice what you did right.
Before the guests arrive
I start every cooking therapy session with one question, and it's a good one to ask yourself this month:
What are you bringing to the table today?
Not the casserole. You. Patience? A sense of humor? A little more calm than last year? That's the dish everyone really needs.
P.S. If this story resonated with you, please click the ❤️ below. It helps more readers discover TherapeuticBites and it lets me know what connected with you.
Cooking Therapy pioneer Debra Borden, LCSW, is the author of four books, including Cooking As Therapy - How to Improve Mental Health Through Cooking. Learn more here about her writing journey, how she became known as The Sous Therapist, and the stories that shape her work.