There’s a phrase that has probably launched more unnecessary negotiations than any other in the English language.
“Oh, whatever you want is fine.”
It’s usually delivered with a pleasant smile and the very best intentions.
Where should we eat?
Whatever you want.
What movie should we watch?
I’m good with anything.
Would you rather have the chicken or the salmon?
Either one is fine.
And sometimes, of course, either one really IS fine.
But sometimes we’d very much like the salmon.
We just don’t say so.
The Fine Art of Being Agreeable
Most of us have learned that being easygoing is an admirable quality.
And it is.
Nobody wants to spend forty-five minutes negotiating where to have lunch with someone who has seventeen requirements and a spreadsheet of unacceptable restaurants.
But there’s a curious little habit that can develop when we become too accustomed to being agreeable.
We stop expressing preferences even when we have them.
Not necessarily because we’re afraid of disagreement. Sometimes it’s simply easier.
We don’t want to inconvenience anyone.
We don’t want to appear demanding.
We don’t want to make an ordinary decision unnecessarily complicated.
So we say, “Whatever you want.”
Again.
And again.
Until one day, someone asks what we’d actually like, and we find ourselves staring at them as though they’ve requested the square root of a casserole.
Somewhere Between Consideration and Disappearing
There’s a difference between being considerate and making yourself invisible.
Consideration means recognizing that other people have needs, interests, and preferences that matter.
But yours matter, too.
You don’t have to insist on getting your way every time. You don’t even have to get your way most of the time.
You simply get to have a way.
A preference isn’t a demand.
It’s information.
“I’d really enjoy Italian tonight.”
“I’d rather stay home.”
“I love that color.”
“Actually, I’d prefer the window seat.”
These aren’t declarations of war.
They’re little glimpses of who you are.
And isn’t that part of what makes knowing someone interesting?
Imagine having a friend who never expressed an opinion about anything.
Every restaurant is wonderful.
Every movie is terrific.
Every plan sounds perfect.
You might begin to wonder whether you’re spending time with an exceptionally agreeable person or a very polite houseplant.
The Little Things Tell Us Something
I’m especially interested in how our preferences show up in ordinary activities.
Take cooking.
Some people adore following a recipe exactly. They find pleasure in the precision, the measurements, and the reassurance of knowing what comes next.
Others love experimenting. They want a little more garlic, a little less salt, or perhaps something entirely unexpected.
Neither approach is inherently better.
But both tell us something about what that person enjoys.
The same is true of how we spend an afternoon, arrange a room, entertain guests, or choose what to read.
We reveal ourselves through small decisions all the time.
And when we pay attention to them, we may discover that we have stronger opinions than we realized.
Perhaps you’ve been eating a particular dish for years because someone else loves it.
Perhaps you keep agreeing to an activity that you’ve never particularly enjoyed.
Or perhaps there’s something you’ve wanted to try, but it never seems important enough to suggest.
Nothing dramatic.
Just a collection of small preferences quietly waiting for their turn.
You Can Be Kind and Still Want the Salmon
Here’s something worth remembering: expressing a preference doesn’t mean dismissing someone else’s.
You can say what you’d like and remain perfectly open to compromise.
You can enjoy making someone else happy without automatically putting yourself last.
And you can change your mind without submitting a formal explanation in triplicate.
Sometimes we confuse kindness with agreement.
But kindness has room for honesty.
In fact, relationships can become more interesting when we allow other people to know what we genuinely enjoy.
You might discover a shared enthusiasm.
You might introduce someone to something they never would have tried.
Or you might learn that one of you loves mushrooms and the other believes they should never have been invented.
Excellent.
Now you know.
You can still have dinner together.
What Would You Choose?
Here’s a small experiment.
The next time someone asks what you’d prefer, give yourself a moment before answering.
Not to calculate what would be most convenient for everyone else.
Not to predict which answer will make you appear easiest to please.
Just to notice whether you have a preference.
If you genuinely don’t care, say so.
But if you do?
Try expressing it.
You don’t have to be forceful, apologetic, or persuasive.
You can simply say, “I’d like that.”
And let the sentence stand.
Because the people who care about you deserve an opportunity to know what makes you happy.
And so do you.
Now, about dinner.
I’ll have the salmon.
And if there’s lemon butter sauce, I’d like extra.
Look at that.
I’m getting rather good at this.
If you enjoy finding a little humor, insight, and occasional self-discovery in everyday life, welcome to Therapeutic Bites. Subscribe for free and join me for two weekly articles: one exploring the wonderfully complicated experience of being human, and another bringing Cooking Therapy into the kitchen with a recipe.
Cooking Therapy pioneer Debra Borden, LCSW, is the author of four books, including Cooking As Therapy - How to Improve Mental Health Through Cooking. Learn more here about her writing journey, how she became known as The Sous Therapist, and the stories that shape her work.